May 2013
1 post
Confession:
I’ve got to get out of here.
February 2013
1 post
Confession:
I’m coming apart. Every thing is unraveling, and I feel like no one can save me now.
If I could just find my way back to God.
December 2012
3 posts
5 tags
“The transmutation of the mind to magical consciousness has often been called the Great Work. It has a far-reaching purpose leading eventually to the discovery of the True Will. Even a slight ability to change oneself is more valuable than any power over the external universe. Metamorphosis is an exercise in willed restructuring of the mind.
All attempts to reorganize the mind...
Confession:
Perhaps the true reason I returned to Atlanta was only to say good bye.
I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I am shedding my skin, and it is so painful to do so. I never expected this to hurt so fucking bad.
I am leaving tomorrow. Florida kind of sucks, but I can’t be here.
By all means, I must no longer allow myself to look back.
Confession:
I don’t want to live anymore. Everything is such a mess. I just want to start over.
November 2012
1 post
Confession:
It feels like so many of my dreams are already dead, if not dying. If I could just pull myself out of this somehow.
September 2012
2 posts
Confession:
Maybe I’m too critical of others.
Maybe I’m too critical of myself.
Show me the way to forgiveness.
Confession:
I’m really fucking lonely here.
August 2012
1 post
Confession:
I feel like the more I try to silence the voice in my head, the louder it gets. I’m cracking apart and no one even knows it. I need some help so bad, but I don’t know where to get it anymore.
May 2012
4 posts
Confession:
I want to live in New York City so fucking badly.
8 tags
Confession:
Matthew, you are truly irreplaceable. I wish I could have told you that when I had the chance. You always took my complements so much to heart, I know it would have meant a lot to you. I’m not sure I realized then just how rare and valuable the kind of camaraderie we had really was. Those nights tripping with you and Alan were truly some of the best nights of my life. Your beliefs and my...
7 tags
April 2012
1 post
Confession:
I feel like I’m on the edge of suicide every day now. I just want these feelings to go away. I feel like I’ve tried so much to help myself, and it’s just not getting better. I keep thinking I’m making progress, only to realize all my efforts have been, basically, for naught. If I try to express even just a fraction of how alone I feel or how badly I’ve been secretly...
February 2012
2 posts
7 tags
“…every thought of man upon being evolved passes into the inner world and...”
– K. H., first letter to A. O. Hume; Nov. 1st, 1880 (handwritten copy in the British Museum: Mahatma Papers, Vol. VII, Additional MS. 45289 B)
4 tags
January 2012
1 post
Confession:
I did everything I said I would do. I worked tirelessly and alone. On November 1st I moved into a high security, luxury apartment in the middle of the upscale part of the city. Materially speaking, I have never had it so good. And all of my spoils, I have earned by myself, with little support. But this plan, this move, wasn’t so much about materialism, as it was to provide me with a greater...
October 2011
1 post
Confession:
A fair warning. I must push myself to be better.
God give me strength. I don’t want my decisions to be affected by lower-level thoughts and feelings.
September 2011
1 post
Confession:
I have been using the anger and feelings of desperation and loneliness to fuel my hustle. So far I’ve been doing a decent job of staying on my grind, but I could still, definitely, stand to do better.
I will be moving on to bigger and better things very, very soon. And I will have deserved them.
August 2011
5 posts
Confession:
In my dreams I am slicing him in half with the ninjatō. Some times horizontally. Some times vertically.
Is it wicked of me to hope he dreams of this too? That my visions belong to him as well?
I know he is the truly wicked one, and he will have no peace in neither his slumber, nor his waking hours. God be sure of it.
The Book of Isaiah, 57:20 says ”But the wicked are like the troubled...
Confession:
I want to chop all of my hair off, and move to a big city. Somewhere where it gets real dark, and where it snows in the winter. And where there are lots of 24/hour restaurants and grocery stores, because I want to start sleeping in the day again.
Confession:
Yesterday that scum actually had the nerve to send me a message on facebook after what had happened. Maybe he felt guilty?
“….You know if there is ever a time you want to just talk let me know. I really enjoyed being able to just shoot the shit with you. Hey question how do you feel about fishing and just hanging out. I know it sounds kinda dumb but it is relaxing. Just a thought....
Confession:
Two days ago I was planning on ending my life. Then my father called me back right as I was about to. Truly, impeccable timing.
I had called both of my parents and my step mom and my former doctor’s office in Atlanta about an hour before, but no one picked up. I only left a message for my doctor, mentioning nothing of my plans at the time, of course. I didn’t want to worry anyone. I...
Confession:
Something awful happened today.
But I can’t tell him, because yesterday he found out
I fucked up.
Because I have no belief in no one, even though I so desperately want to.
Now; however, I am sure no one, of importance, will believe in me. He probably won’t ever believe in me again.
He don’t deserve no more grief from me, so I’m just keeping my mouth shut. It seems...
July 2011
1 post
13 tags
June 2011
3 posts
Confession:
I should have heeded the warning of this card, but I gave into wanton temptations instead. Now I just feel foolish, and exhausted. And vacant.
My dreams have been so vivid lately (and in some ways, still, as I have mentioned in a private entry, instructive), but my long-term recall is shit. I must start recording them, as I used to. Two days ago I dreamed of Necronomicon. This morning I dreamed I...
Confession:
Maybe I am not ready for all of this, afterall. I can be such a jealous person. I can be so weak.
I am just not as strong as I wanted to believe I was.
I must admit that to myself. I must be more mindful not to confuse callousness with inner growth.
I am so full of one and so needing of the other. God help me.
4 tags
“Imagination is the instrument of THE ADAPTATION OF THE WORD. Imagination applied...”
–
Eliphas Levi “Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie” (Part I: The Doctrine of Transcendental Magic, The Candidate, Rowe pg. 6-7)
May 2011
5 posts
6 tags
4 tags
7 tags
3 tags
4 tags
April 2011
5 posts
1 tag
“You must understand, therefore, that this is the first path to felicity,...”
– Iamblichus “Iamblichus on the Mysteries of the Egyptians, Chaldeans, and Assyrians” (Cambridge University Press pg. 333)
Confession:
He makes me so drunk with passion. I want to believe this is real. It will take so much more time to discover just how deep these feelings run, though. And whether or not the passion that intoxicates me presently is propelled by something that is chaste at the core.
I am looking so forward to taking that time with him.
I am really falling in love with him.
Confession:
He texted me after I left this morning and said he was sorry if he made me mad. He must think I am so strong, to assume I would leave angry. In truth, I didn’t get but half way down the stairs of his apartment complex before I started crying like a little bitch. These last few years, on the road and off the road, I’ve had to be so strong. Then after ending up in this strange place,...
3 tags
“Remember O Neophyte… that I am not dealing in mere philosophical formulae,...”
–
P.B. Randolph “Mysteries of Eulis” (Deveney pg. 339, unnumbered item) 