Beastly777

Confession:

Sun, 05 May 2013 18:07:13 -0400

I’ve got to get out of here.

Confession:

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 17:36:00 -0500

I’m coming apart. Every thing is unraveling, and I feel like no one can save me now.

If I could just find my way back to God.

“The transmutation of the mind to magical consciousness has often been called the Great...

Sun, 30 Dec 2012 19:34:17 -0500

“The transmutation of the mind to magical consciousness has often been called the Great Work. It has a far-reaching purpose leading eventually to the discovery of the True Will. Even a slight ability to change oneself is more valuable than any power over the external universe. Metamorphosis is an exercise in willed restructuring of the mind.

All attempts to reorganize the mind involve a duality between conditions as they are and the preferred condition. Thus it is impossible to cultivate any virtue like spontaneity, joy, pious pride, grace, or omnipotence without involving oneself in more conventionality, sorrow, guilt, sin, and impotence in the process. Religions are founded on the fallacy that one can or ought to have one without the other. High magic recognizes the dualistic condition but does not care whether life is bittersweet or sweet and sour; rather it seeks to achieve any arbitrary perceptual perspective at will.”

-Peter J. Carrol, Liber Null & Psychonaut (Red Wheel/Weiser pg 16-17)

Confession:

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 02:12:00 -0500

Perhaps the true reason I returned to Atlanta was only to say good bye.

I feel like I have lost myself.
I feel like I am shedding my skin, and it is so painful to do so.
I never expected this to hurt so fucking bad.

I am leaving tomorrow. Florida kind of sucks, but I can’t be here.

By all means, I must no longer allow myself to look back.

Confession:

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 00:16:53 -0500

I don’t want to live anymore. Everything is such a mess. I just want to start over.

Confession:

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 22:04:44 -0500

It feels like so many of my dreams are already dead, if not dying. If I could just pull myself out of this somehow.

Confession:

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 22:26:07 -0400

Maybe I’m too critical of others.

Maybe I’m too critical of myself.

Show me the way to forgiveness.

Confession:

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 17:35:12 -0400

I’m really fucking lonely here.

Confession:

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 22:30:00 -0400

I feel like the more I try to silence the voice in my head, the louder it gets.
I’m cracking apart and no one even knows it. I need some help so bad, but I don’t know where to get it anymore.

Confession:

Wed, 30 May 2012 04:41:23 -0400

I want to live in New York City so fucking badly.

”God Not God” Poison Idea - Kings of Punk, Pusmort...

Mon, 21 May 2012 20:28:00 -0400

”God Not God” Poison Idea - Kings of Punk, Pusmort Records, ca. 1986

“The less we define God, the more are we compelled to belief in Him. To deny the undefined and unknown God, existent and intelligent principle of being and intelligence, is the most vague and absurd of negations. Hence Proudhon, that incarnate contradiction, affirmed with reason that atheism is a negative dogma and constitutes the most ridiculous of all faiths, otherwise, the irreligious belief. But a God defined being of necessity a finite God, every religion which pretends to have been revealed in a positive and particular way, collapses when reason touches it.”

-Eliphas Levi, La Science des Espirits, pp. 6, 7.

“Analogy is the final word of science and the first word of faith. Harmony consists in equilibrium, and equilibrium subsists by the analogy of contraries. Absolute unity is the supreme and final reason of things. Now, this reason can be neither one person nor three persons: it is a reason, and reason at the highest. To create equilibrium we must separate and unite – separate by the poles, unite by the centre. To reason upon faith is to destroy faith; to create mysticism in philosophy is to assail reason. Reason and faith, by their nature, mutually exclude one another, but they unite by analogy. Analogy is the sole possible mediator between finite and infinite. Dogma is the ever-ascending hypothesis of a presumable equation. For the ignorant, it is the hypothesis which is the absolute affirmation, and the absolute affirmation which is hypothesis. Hypotheses are necessary in science, and he who seeks to verify them enlarges science without decreasing faith, for on the farther side of faith is the infinite. We believe in that which we do not know, but which reason leads us to admit. To define and circumscribe the object of faith is therefore to formulate the unknown. Professions of faith are formulations of the ignorance and aspirations of man. The theorems of science are monuments of his conquests. The man who denies God is not less fanatical than he who defines Him with pretended infallibility. God is commonly defined by the enumeration of all that He is not. Man makes God by an analogy from the lesser to the greater, whence it results that the conception of God by man is ever that of an infinite man who makes man a finite god. Man can realize that which he believes in the measure of that which he knows, by reason of that which he knows not, and he can accomplish all that he wills in the measure of that which he believes and by reason of that which he knows. The analogy of contraries is the relation of light and shade, of height and hollow, of plenum and void. Allegory, the mother of all dogmas, is the substitution of impressions for dies, of shadows for realities. It is the fable of truth and the truth of fable. One does not invent a dogma, one veils a truth, and a shade for weak eyes is produced. The initiator is not an impostor, he is a revealer, that is, following the meaning of the Latin word revelare, a man who veils afresh. He is the creator of a new shadow.”

-Eliphas Levi, Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (Martino Publishing, pg 179-180.)

Confession:

Sun, 20 May 2012 04:26:00 -0400

Matthew, you are truly irreplaceable. I wish I could have told you that when I had the chance. You always took my complements so much to heart, I know it would have meant a lot to you. I’m not sure I realized then just how rare and valuable the kind of camaraderie we had really was. Those nights tripping with you and Alan were truly some of the best nights of my life. Your beliefs and my beliefs were so much the same, I found sanctuary in you. At the time I didn’t realize that, but now having lost you, I know that to be one of the beautiful things that compelled me to be your friend. We used to talk on the phone for hours, almost every day, if we weren’t hanging out on the backyard porch at your parents house. There was just so much to talk about; there were so many interests to share. No one really knows that side of me anymore. Mostly, I just keep it all to myself now, and talking on the phone is a rare occasion for me at this point. Your faith and enthusiasm combined with and boosted my own, to produce this manifold of sorts. There was an entire, secret world we once tapped into, but now it is lost to me. It has been over 4 years, and I still wander listlessly. Generally unaffected by the outside world and its people. Seeking something yet unknown to me through literature, and secretly searching for you in the dark shadows and chasms.

“In all that concerns the God of exclusive religions, I am...

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:53:00 -0400

“In all that concerns the God of exclusive religions, I am an atheist with my whole heart; but I am an apostle of the good God of charitable souls, the afflicted and little children.”

Eliphas Levi, Les Portes de l’Avenir, iv.

Confession:

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 16:13:00 -0400

I feel like I’m on the edge of suicide every day now. I just want these feelings to go away. I feel like I’ve tried so much to help myself, and it’s just not getting better. I keep thinking I’m making progress, only to realize all my efforts have been, basically, for naught. If I try to express even just a fraction of how alone I feel or how badly I’ve been secretly hurting all this time to other people, it seems to just make them not like me as much. It seems to just piss them off, some how. I pretty much feel like I’m at my wits end at this point. I’m going to force myself to actually go to support group this week. Hopefully it helps. Because I honestly don’t think I can deal with this much longer. I’m just so tired of feeling this way, and I’m becoming increasingly at peace with the idea of just putting an end to everything once and for all.

"…every thought of man upon being evolved passes into the inner world and becomes an active..."

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:18:00 -0500

“…every thought of man upon being evolved passes into the inner world and becomes an active entity by associating itself — coalescing, we might term it — with an elemental; that is to say with one of the semi-intelligent forces of the kingdoms. It survives as an active intelligence, a creature of the mind’s begetting, for a longer or shorter period proportionate with the original intensity of the cerebral action which generated it. Thus, a good thought is perpetuated as an active beneficent power; an evil one as a maleficent demon. And so man is continually peopling his current in space with a world of his own, crowded with the offsprings of his fancies, desires, impulses, and passions, a current which reacts upon any sensitive or nervous organisation which comes in contact with it in proportion to its dynamic intensity. The Buddhist calls this his ‘Skandha,’ the Hindu gives it the name of ‘Karma’; the Adept evolves these shapes consciously, other men throw them off unconsciously.”

- K. H., first letter to A. O. Hume; Nov. 1st, 1880 (handwritten copy in the British Museum: Mahatma Papers, Vol. VII, Additional MS. 45289 B)

“We say ‘All men are created equal,’ but we...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:02:00 -0500

“We say ‘All men are created equal,’ but we mean by this, ‘All men are entitled to equal opportunity and have equal rights before God.’ No one is so blind or foolish as to imagine there is actual equality of ability or environment or physical equipment or conditions of birth between men. These inequities exist but they can be overcome.”

-Joseph J. Weed “Wisdom of the Mystic Masters” (Contents: Chapter 2)

Confession:

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:27:00 -0500

I did everything I said I would do. I worked tirelessly and alone. On November 1st I moved into a high security, luxury apartment in the middle of the upscale part of the city. Materially speaking, I have never had it so good. And all of my spoils, I have earned by myself, with little support. But this plan, this move, wasn’t so much about materialism, as it was to provide me with a greater sense of security. So why then do I feel so afraid and sad all the time still? When I turn the light off to sleep, on the nights I am alone, I still fear, heavily, that someone comes for me. I am locked behind many doors now, high enough to where no one can reach me, and in a maze-like building specifically enclosed from any outside street or contact. Why is that not enough? And why do I feel so empty, at times?

I am trying not to deviate from my studies so much. I am trying to learn to pray the correct way.

Confession:

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 20:28:00 -0400

A fair warning. I must push myself to be better.

God give me strength. I don’t want my decisions to be affected by lower-level thoughts and feelings.

Confession:

Fri, 02 Sep 2011 02:49:00 -0400

I have been using the anger and feelings of desperation and loneliness to fuel my hustle. So far I’ve been doing a decent job of staying on my grind, but I could still, definitely, stand to do better.

I will be moving on to bigger and better things very, very soon. And I will have deserved them.

Confession:

Mon, 22 Aug 2011 05:07:00 -0400

In my dreams I am slicing him in half with the ninjatō.
Some times horizontally. Some times vertically.

Is it wicked of me to hope he dreams of this too? That my visions belong to him as well?

I know he is the truly wicked one, and he will have no peace in neither his slumber, nor his waking hours. God be sure of it.

The Book of Isaiah, 57:20 says
”But the wicked are like the troubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire and dirt.”

He desecrated my body. My beautiful body.

I suffered through the pain and the fear alone, because I felt there was no one I could turn to at the time.

For three days straight I cried in my room.
For two weeks I couldn’t bare work.

When I finally found the strength within myself to, somewhat, speak out against him he admitted to everything, and got away with it all with just a slap on the wrist.

I will never allow myself to be so weak again.